‘Coming out’ means members of the LGBTQ+ community can be their true authentic selves.
For some, this journey of self discovery, and then the courage to share their true self with the world, can take years – with some waiting until their late 30s, 40, 50s or longer.
But, the number of people ‘coming out’ is increasing year-on-year, and between 2015 and 2019, the number of people aged 16 and over identifying as straight dropped from 95.2% to 93.7%.
The Office of National Statistics (ONS) found that simultaneously, those identifying as lesbian, gay or bisexual increased by 0.4%.
Those who do choose to reveal their true sexuality say, in their late 30s and 40s, would have grown up in the shadow of Section 28.
Section 28 prevented the promotion of homosexuality or the publication of gay material, and it also stopped schools from teaching acceptance of ‘homosexuality as a pretended family relationship’.
This undoubtedly would have caused many in their formative years to suppress their true selves.
Being gay was only decriminalised in 1967 through the Sexual Offences Act – although even then this step forward came with an age limit.
Dr Mike Burrows, lecturer in psychology at Coventry University, specialising in gender identity and sexual orientation, tells Metro: ‘Section 28 effectively made the LGBTQ+ community second class citizens and robbed many of the vocabulary to understand their fledgling sexualities.
‘People may suppress their identity to avoid the loss of family and community, because they fear for their safety, to avoid the loss of friends, or if they feel unable to meet the challenges associated with coming out.’
But what does it actually mean for a queer individual to ‘come out’?
‘Coming out is a deeply personal journey, and one that can be challenging but also liberating, allowing the individual to own who they are and to live authentically,’ Mike says.
‘It is essential to the surround themselves with supportive people and remember that they are deserving of love and acceptance.’
For many who withhold their queer identity, they may have been in serious hetero relationships prior to their coming out.
‘Societal and familial expectations are that boys grow up and get married and have families and girls grow up and get married and have babies,’ Mike explains.
‘We learn from our parents and society what is expected of us. Coming out violates those expectations. Having heterosexual relationships doesn’t.
‘It’s also a way of proving the opposite, both to themselves and to others. I’m not gay/lesbian because I am in a relationship with a women/man.’
It goes without saying that repressing your identity as part of the LGBTQ+ community can have significant effects on your mental health.
Mike says: ‘There is often depression, low self-esteem, negative self-view, even self-hatred, as they feel othered or ‘bad’ or immoral.
‘Stress with the constant need to manage their fronted identity as ‘heterosexual’, and individuals can distance themselves from others for fear of closeness. There are links to substance misuse and suicidal ideation.’
So how, in the face of all these hurdles the LGBTQ+ community face, can they come out to friends and family later in life?
‘People who are considering ‘coming out’ should know that it is a gradual process, often starting with self-acceptance and trusted friends,’ says Mike.
‘They should think about how they might want to come out, either slowly or to as many people as they want to, face-to-face, or via emails or text.
‘Connecting with LGBTQ+ organisations and communities for support and shared experiences can help, as well as seeking counselling to manage the psychological effects.’
Mike also explains that people should be direct and clear when discussing their feelings with loved ones, and they should prepare themselves for any questions they may get.
The LGBTQ+ communities will lend a huge amount of support when you come out, particularly if anyone in your immediate circle needs space to process what you’ve told them, or sadly have a negative response.
Mike adds that self-care in this period of coming out is critical, and this involves setting boundaries.
‘It’s okay to set boundaries with people if needed, and you should know when to walk away if relationships become toxic or abrasive,’ Mike explains.
When articulating your sexual identity to loved ones for the first time, there is a format to follow, according to Mike.
‘Be honest and clear as you talk about your feelings and emotions. Explain the journey you have had to this point, your desires for future relationships and what these people you’re talking to mean to them,’ Mike says.
Resources for coming out:
For you:
- Be You Project – Advice on coming out
- AKT – If coming out has resulted in your living situation becoming hostile
- Being Gay Is Okay – Advice on homosexuality
- BACP – Counselling services
- Consortium – A directory of services/groups for LGBTQ+ individuals
- Galop – Support and helplines for LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing hate crimes and abuse
- Mermaids – Supporting young LGBTQ+ individuals aged 19 and under and their parents and families
For friends and family:
- FFLAG – Advice on how to make your LGBTQ+ loved ones feel safe and heard
- Being Gay Is Okay – Helpful pointers on how to respond to and treat your loved one after they come out
- BACP – Counselling services
- Mermaids – Supporting young LGBTQ+ individuals aged 19 and under and their parents and families
If your family or friends need some help understanding more about the queer community, there are plenty of resources available.
Mike admits: ‘I think that it can often fall to the individual coming out to educate those around them on all things LGBTQ. However, family and friends can be directed to a number of resources.
‘Mind have pages on how to support someone who is LGBTQ, and FFLAG also offer excellent resources for families.’
It’s important to remember, though, that ‘coming out’ is not a one-off event which means that individual is then able to live the life they wish.
Mike agrees, saying: ‘Coming out isn’t a single step. For LGBTQ people, ‘coming out’ can be a constant task, in a society which is heteronormative and where assumptions are made by people all the time.
‘Protecting psychological health is critical. Individuals can connect with the wider LGBTQ community, finding a community to engage with can be empowering as people come out.
‘Consider counselling because there can be many of the issues described above, but there can also be grief and shame and guilt, grieving for a childhood they never had.
‘It can be difficult to accept that loss and counselling can help to navigate those feelings and also the new experiences and the reshaping of identity.’
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
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