‘Truly the only thing I’m missing in my life is someone to enjoy it with. I’m so sick of waiting.’
As I watched TikTok user Ryan Spencer the other week telling the world – with tears in her eyes – that all she wants is to meet someone, I felt a pang of sadness.
It takes real bravery to be this honest online. Feeling lonely, or admitting that you want love but can’t find it, isn’t something to scoff at.
After seven years of my own dating failures, there have been many nights where I asked myself if I was going to be alone forever.
At times, the pain I felt myself was visceral, as real as a physical wound. But there is one thing that helped me through it: sex.
I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me start at the beginning.
After going through a very painful break-up, I – like many people often do – decided that the best way to move on would be to find someone else to spend my time with.
To put it plainly: I tried to nurse my broken heart with dick.
One particularly memorable lover was the sexy neighbour who lived just around the corner from my flat, meaning I could sneak off to his house whenever I fancied. It didn’t work out in the end – but he was hot and I was sad.
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Another, less successful, experience included the man I slept with who failed to tell me that he lived with his parents. I found out the next morning, when I ran into his mum in the hallway.
It didn’t help that I was wearing last night’s clothes and my tangled hair screamed ‘I just shagged your son’.
For better or worse, in the years that followed, I went through all the usual dating tropes. I was ghosted, lied to and had short-term flings that I thought would develop into something deeper – but didn’t.
One man blew me off before our first date because he didn’t like that I was a sex writer. Good riddance, I say. Another man strung me along for months, pretending that he wanted something more, but was never willing to fully commit.
I also broke a few hearts myself.
After a while, I realised that while I couldn’t control the outcome of my dates, I could absolutely make decisions about my sex life. And it’s advice I’d give people like TikToker Ryan Spencer too.
Dating can erode your confidence and self-worth and make you feel powerless. Sex – and enjoying my body – gave me some of that power back.
There was a lot of trial and error, and I slept with many people who weren’t respectful nor deserving of my attention or body. But I also felt so much pleasure, diving head-first into my deepest desires and ticking off items from my sex bucket list.
Maybe Mr Right wasn’t knocking at my door but his distant cousin, Mr Here To Give You An Orgasm, certainly was.
I’m not suggesting that you need to validate your single status by having sex. You don’t need to validate it at all. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you because you don’t have a partner.
What I am suggesting is that, if you’re open to it, sexual satisfaction can carry value in different ways.
Many people hold back from having an active sex life when they are single for fear of how they will be perceived. Women especially are so rarely told to enjoy their bodies, in comparison to men who are encouraged to ‘sow their wild oats’.
I’ve been told that I will never get married simply because no one would want ‘such a promiscuous wife’. It’s an immature, sexist notion that I refuse to condone.
Being single is so often vilified and seen as something you must suffer through until you find ‘The One’ – ideally before you turn 30. We need to throw this harmful narrative in the trash.
The irony is that, now that I’m in my 30s, I often have conversations with older friends who tell me that they wish they had been more adventurous when younger. Some pals, who have been with their partner for many years, feel like they missed out on sexual experiences.
You can still experiment in a relationship but you may have to compromise on your desires.
As an example, a woman in a monogamous relationship told me that she wants to have a threesome but her partner isn’t open to the idea. This fantasy will be left unfulfilled.
That’s why it can be so great to explore sex when you’re single. As a free agent, you can do whatever you want.
Getting laid isn’t the answer to everything but if dating isn’t serving you right now, it might be worth trying a different approach.
Hell, you could just focus on masturbation and getting to know your body, if you prefer to skip the sex.
If you’re waiting for romantic love, there’s no harm in having some fun along the way.
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