‘I was on high alert constantly and saw everything as a threat,’ remembers Lucy Wilson of the intrusive thoughts she experienced after her son Sebastian was born.
‘I was so worried and I saw danger everywhere. I could see him being burnt in the bath or scalded by a cup of tea. Of course, he was never at risk because I was so careful.’
Motherhood is supposedly a magical time, yet one in three women suffer from perinatal mental health problems in the UK, during pregnancy or the year after giving birth.
These can be very distressing and can include conditions such as Post Natal Depression, maternal OCD and post traumatic stress disorder.
For Lucy, 43, a company founder from Hampshire, an uneventful first pregnancy turned into an emergency when her two-day-old son Sebastian was whisked to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, suffering from a bowel condition.
Soon she found herself suffering from increasingly intrusive thoughts as her mental health deteriorated.
‘I always liked to plan – I had made 100 meals before the baby was born, so many that we had to buy an extra freezer for the garage,’ explains Lucy, who is married to husband Ryland, 39, and has two sons, Sebastian, now seven, and Bertie, four.
‘But soon my planning went to pot. Sebastian was upside down in the womb, so I had a planned caesarean which went well, but at two days old he was sick and was taken away for scans.
‘Then everything happened very quickly. Sebastian needed an operation five days later because doctors suspected he had Hirschsprung’s disease, meaning his intestine wasn’t working properly and he needed a colostomy bag fitted.
‘We returned home two weeks later and my anxiety went through the roof.’
Sebastian needed another two operations over the following months and at seven months, his colostomy bag was removed. However, Lucy’s mental health had deteriorated.
‘I felt really alone,’ she says. ‘I didn’t think other people would understand my thoughts and I didn’t feel there was help I could access. It put a strain on my relationship – it was the hardest thing we’d ever had to go through.’
Slowly Lucy and Ryland felt ready for a second baby and Bertie was born in October 2019.
She says: ‘He had silent reflux and barely slept. Meanwhile I felt terrible guilt for Sebastian, that I’d disrupted his life by bringing another child into our family.’
Five months later, lockdown began. Sebastian, then three, couldn’t go to pre-school and Lucy found herself stuck in ‘groundhog day’.
She says: ‘I cried every day until I decided life couldn’t continue as it was. I was so determined not to let this happen to anyone else, that I started my own business, to help other people look after their own mental health.’
Lucy has also now received CBT counselling after being on a nine-month waiting list.
She says: ‘It has been helpful, but I was shocked by the waiting time. I just hope that people realise how important maternal mental health is, we need to offer more help and proactive education for women.’
Whilst sufferers of perinatal mental illness report feeling ‘isolated’, statistics show the figures increasing, highlighting the importance of speaking out.
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer says: ‘The more we speak out, the more we destigmatise and normalise conversations around mental health. This can help all of us to feel lighter, and to understand that we deserve support if times are difficult.’
She adds: ‘Mental health problems can manifest in all sorts of ways during the perinatal period.
‘It’s a time of challenge and change, physically, hormonally and emotionally.
‘This can make it a catalyst for changes to our mental health. We are adjusting to changes in our body and changes in our identity and relationships. Subconscious fears and worries can make themselves known, and our existing coping mechanisms might feel less effective.
‘This can all be made worse by the sense of what we ’should’ be doing or feeling. This might come from other people’s judgements, from what we see on social media, or even our own inner critic.’
Homeopathic practitioner Neela Prabhu, 46, from Croydon, is married to her husband Ganesh, 51, and has daughters Jasmine, 15, and Karishma, nine.
She struggled after Jasmine’s birth but in the months after Karishma arrived she hit rock bottom and felt suicidal.
Shockingly, death by suicide is the leading cause of death of mothers in the first year after childbirth.
She says: ‘I had a traumatic birth with Jasmine, who was conceived through IVF, and suffered from postnatal depression in the weeks after her arrival, but slowly I started to feel my spirits lifting, although it took a year before I felt ‘normal’ again.
‘Then everyone started to ask when we would give Jasmine a sibling. When we did start trying, I again struggled to conceive.
‘I was devastated but after three rounds of IVF, I fell pregnant with Karishma, whose name means ‘miracle’.
‘Although I was delighted to be pregnant, towards the end of the pregnancy I felt quite low, and after Karishma’s birth that depression continued.
‘I had wanted this baby for so long and when I couldn’t stop crying it felt like I was being ungrateful. I stopped eating, washing or taking care of myself and began having terrible thoughts.’
At her six-week check, the GP referred Neela for postnatal counselling and soon, she started antidepressants.
‘They didn’t work immediately and in the meantime, when Karishma was four months, I thought the girls, and everyone else, would be better off without me,’ she says.
‘The only thing which kept me around was thinking of the girls growing up without a mum.
‘I kept my thoughts to myself, but one day I knew I needed help. I went to a counselling session and told the nurse everything. With permission she called my dad and said, ‘Your daughter is thinking of taking herself to the train station and ending it. If I don’t speak to you now, I believe the police will be calling you.’
How do you raise your children?
You’re reading How I Parent, this week with a special report on the mental health of mums. Each week we look at a different aspect of how the nation is raising their kids. What should we cover next? Email [email protected] to get in touch.
Neela’s family stepped in to help and through a mix of therapy, antidepressants and homeopathic remedies, she rebuilt herself.
She says: ‘I wouldn’t have thought this could happen to me – and importantly I don’t recognise that woman anymore, but it took work.
‘Now I smile at new mums with tiny babies and make sure I ask if they are alright. Some people look like they have it all together, but it’s rare that everything is perfect.’
Georgina recommends finding a ‘toolbox’ of things to help cope with the challenges, including a phone call with a friend, positive affirmations or writing down feelings.
She says: ‘It’s normal and natural to feel a whole range of feelings during the perinatal period, but just because we are experiencing big or difficult feelings it doesn’t mean we are a bad person or that we will be a bad mother.’
Where to find help
Your GP or perinatal mental health team can talk to you about options such as medication or psychotherapy. There may be local organisations in your community who offer psychotherapy as well. Home Start matches parents with a volunteer who can visit at home to offer support. PANDAS is an organisation set up to help parents with perinatal mental illness. If in doubt, call 111 to discuss available care pathways
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