As my friend lifted my newborn to her face and planted her lips right on his forehead, my stomach dropped.
He was three weeks old and she was meeting him for the first time.
It was a perfectly loving act, and honestly, something that I might have done myself before I had my own baby.
In fact, since having my little boy 11 months ago, I have racked my brains to try and remember if I did kiss other people’s babies when being introduced to them.
I can’t recall either way, which suggests to me that it’s probably not something people give too much thought to, or mean any harm by.
But I’ve since come to realise that they absolutely should.
Because, for the first few months of their lives, babies have underdeveloped immune systems, and what may be a simple cold to you or I, has the potential to hospitalise a baby.
So, as my friend kissed my son, I was hit by paralysing fear that this innocent gesture could make him seriously ill, or even result in him dying.
It might sound excessive but he was just 21 days old and I was terrified of him being infected by other people’s germs.
I’ll be the first to admit that, in the beginning, this fear may have been quite extreme.
I remember watching people holding my boy and being so on edge the whole time; watching for any kisses or touches to exposed skin with potentially unclean hands.
The constant worry even led to me avoiding certain social gatherings, as I didn’t want to be seen as rude, or seem like a neurotic new mum (I’m pretty sure I failed at the second part).
But when you consider that my baby was born right in the peak of cold and flu season, after a pandemic – combined with the fact that I suffer from health anxiety – my concerns might start to make a bit more sense.
And, while I may have been hypersensitive to my son getting ill from unwanted adult germs, it’s a perfectly valid fear.
Official advice from places like the NHS and the Lullaby Trust states that kissing new babies should be avoided at all costs.
It’s not much of a wonder. The human mouth is a notorious harbourer of disease and a pretty disgusting place, all things considered. According to one study, a mere 10 second kiss can pass on up to 80million bacteria.
Consider just how bad you’d feel if a tiny little human ended up in hospital because of a careless kiss
While that might be relatively harmless for an adult with a fully developed immune system, the tiny bodies of babies can be floored so easily.
As well as passing on colds or viruses, the other obvious issue with kissing is cold sores – these can be deadly for babies and, even if you don’t have an active one, they can be contagious for up to two days before they actually show up.
This can also be the case for many illnesses. While lots of people do – rightly – avoid seeing newborns if they’re obviously not well, lots of things are infectious well before symptoms start.
A friend of mine saw the impact of this firsthand when – to her horror – her cousin kissed her one month old square on the lips, several times.
Her cousin seemed in good health but started feeling ill the next day, with a viral infection.
While the cousin had a couple of days off work before being back to full health, my friend’s baby girl ended up in hospital, on an IV drip for over a week.
Thankfully, her daughter made a full recovery, but she was very ill and it was terrifying for everyone involved.
My friend later shared that she felt guilty for not having the courage to put some boundaries in place with visitors, to protect her little one.
I can relate to this guilt.
Over the past almost year, I’ve often wondered if I should have said something when people have got closer than I’d like. I’ve questioned why I didn’t stop that stranger from reaching into the buggy to touch his hands. I’ve felt bad for not turning away friends and family who have come to visit us with a cold.
But it can feel difficult to put these boundaries in place, as there is something that feels slightly joyless in asking people not to kiss an infant.
And I’m certainly not alone in finding it hard.
A recent survey from The Lullaby Trust highlighted the dangers of kissing and holding new babies yet found that 63% of parents would feel uneasy asking visitors not to touch their baby, worried that they’d offend someone, or be labelled an overprotective parent.
Some might argue that hard and fast boundaries are the answer. For example, I’ve recently noticed a new trend that involves parents sending out a blanket list of ‘rules’ to any visitors in the early days of postpartum.
Although I completely understand why some choose to do this, these types of lists weren’t for me. Instead, before bringing my son home, I gently let my closest family members know that I didn’t feel comfortable with kisses (which they respected).
I did, however, feel a bit awkward asking the same of some other people.
Because, as a parent, it’s essential to advocate for your teeny tiny baby and their equally teeny tiny immune system, as awkward as it can feel
Knowing that I am a worrier by nature, I hoped that visitors would use their judgement and just… not do it. For the most part they did, but there have been a few times where I’ve had to specifically ask people not to kiss my little boy.
I usually caveat it with a flippant line about me being ‘a paranoid new mum’, to make it seem less rude. To be fair, nobody has ever objected, at least not to my face.
And neither should they. Because, as a parent, it’s essential to advocate for your teeny tiny baby and their equally teeny tiny immune system, as awkward as it can feel.
Yes, some exposure to germs is good for babies, I understand that, and I’m sure there will be some people who think my worries are OTT.
But every parent, including me, is just doing what they think is best. And none of us are limiting kissing to stop people bonding with our child; it stems from an innate desire to keep them safe.
Consider just how bad you’d feel if a tiny little human ended up in hospital because of a careless kiss.
If you’re ever unsure, I’d suggest asking where the comfort level lies in terms of touching, hugging and kissing.
My little one is 11 months old now and I would still panic if someone kissed him on the face, but I’m much more comfortable with people holding him.
If in doubt, it’s worth taking a look at the Lullaby Trust rules of always washing your hands, not visiting when ill – and avoiding kisses.
And for new parents questioning themselves, don’t feel neurotic or rude for asking people to respect your boundaries: not doing so has the potential to be ‘life threatening.’
This article was first published on Nov 19, 2023.
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