I was ready to trust again until a man from the apps insulted me

That’s the response I got from Steve* – the guy I was talking to on a dating app – after I told him that I’d only ever had one relationship.

He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t believe I had actually had sex before and even asked if I could prove it by showing texts that discussed that level of intimacy.

His distrust and dismissive language made me burst into tears – not because the situation made me so sad, but because I was so tired. I couldn’t understand why society seems to have such a problem with people who have little to no experience with dating.

Romantic relationships have always felt quite elusive to me after I was sexually assaulted at the age of 16.

In the aftermath, repressed trauma made the thought of being with someone else terrifying. So, I never had the desire to find a partner. However, that didn’t stop me from having a crush…

I first saw Sam when he came into my place of work when I was 16 and, despite all that I’d recently been through, I was immediately drawn to him.

Perhaps it was his charming tone or the way he made me smile but from then on, whenever I passed him in the street, my stomach flipped.

I never let on how I felt, though.

I told him from the beginning that I had been assaulted and had never been in a relationship. Despite him having no problem with either, I struggled with PTSD.

We were just texting in the first few days, but I couldn’t eat or sleep properly. When I discussed this with my therapist, they suggested it was my body’s way of dealing with the repressed trauma. 

I felt so numb and exhausted it was like all my positive emotions had been switched off. Because of this, Sam and I agreed to take things slowly. I wanted to wait until I felt something towards him before we explored intimacy – and, as a result, we didn’t kiss for weeks.

Lucky for me, Sam was more than happy to wait.

By the time he asked me out officially in October, I felt ready to say yes. I felt confident that I could navigate my internal struggles because I knew I wanted to be with him.

My whole world fell apart at that moment. It was my first ever break up – and it was hell.

Of course, people around me tried to help me through the pain in the aftermath with comments such as, ‘it’ll get easier!’ and ‘the first breakup is always the worst!’ But at the time, it didn’t help.

Eventually, what they said came to pass. Just like most things, the situation did get easier to manage with time. Sam and I have messaged nearly every day for over a year and now, we refer to each other as best friends. I can’t explain why it works, it just does.

I have learnt a lot and I truly believe that our relationship healed me.

Even though he seemed supportive, the thought of meeting a stranger was overwhelming and the PTSD from my sexual assault at 16 came flooding back. Not wanting to let it control my life once again, I took charge of the situation and suggested that Steve and I could start by going for a walk one weekend.

That’s when his messages started to change.

He became very focused on the sexual attraction he felt towards me and started asking about where I’d had sex, and the sorts of things I’d done. He talked about me having new experiences with him, and jokingly put forward the idea of doing things in his car on the walk.

I politely told him that wouldn’t happen. I knew I wouldn’t even manage holding this guy’s hand or even giving him a hug, let alone doing anything like that. 

Eventually, after refusing to send him what I considered to be intimate photographs a number of times, Steve switched completely.

He called me a virgin and said he didn’t believe that I’d had sex. I felt like the progress and growth I had gone through wasn’t important.

I didn’t understand how, after letting my guard down and telling him about my past, this man could just throw it all back in my face. 

Why was it an issue that my relationship history only consisted of one person? Why did he choose not to believe me? It didn’t make sense. I felt insulted.

After a brief cry and call with my sister, I blocked his number. But, unfortunately, Steve isn’t the only bad experience I’ve had because of my romantic past.

I’ve had one man tell me he didn’t want to continue talking to me because he feared I would constantly compare our journey to the one I had with Sam. Someone else worried sexual intimacy would be difficult because I would compare any new experience to my one relationship. 

I guarantee, if my relationship history wasn’t just one person, these issues wouldn’t even crop up. The double standard is mind boggling.

I’d be lying if I said Steve didn’t seriously impact me. But I need to remind myself that as horrible as he was, at least the situation happened before I met him and developed any strong feelings.

As cliche as it sounds, it was a lucky escape.

I’m 26 and it sometimes feels like I’m a step behind everyone else when it comes to the world of dating, relationships and love in general. But navigating the dating world after only being in one relationship is hard enough – we shouldn’t be judging people for being inexperienced on top of everything else. 

I don’t need someone to make assumptions about what I am like in a relationship just because I’ve only ever been in one. I need someone to listen, communicate their thoughts and most importantly, I need someone to be kind.

And, at the end of the day, I need to remember – even though I find it hard to believe currently – that not all men will take issue with my past.

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