Grief can make people do the strangest things, and we all know that ‘hurt people hurt people’.
When this week’s Sex Column reader became a widow last year, loneliness led her to seek comfort in the arms of her close friend’s husband.
Although she’s wracked with guilt, she’s developed feelings in the months since the affair began, leaving her confused about whether to end things.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman who’s struggling to enjoy sex after having the baby she and her husband tried for for years.
The problem…
I’m having an affair with a married man, and worse still I’m friends with his wife. I know it sounds awful, but please read my story before you judge.
My husband died sixteen months ago at the age of just 43 and I was so consumed with grief, I thought my life was over. We’d never had children, as we wanted to concentrate on our careers and have nice holidays, so I felt very alone.
After the initial flurry of attention from concerned friends and family, I was soon left to get on with it. Just one couple continued to support me, always phoning, popping in or inviting me for dinner. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them.
Whenever I went to their place, the husband picked me up (I don’t drive) and dropped me home. We chatted and laughed a lot in the car, and over a period of weeks, the chemistry between us seemed to grow.
After three months, we embarked on a passionate affair. Sex was always very quick as he had to get back, but I enjoyed it like that – frantic and urgent. We couldn’t rip each other’s clothes off and do it fast enough.
I know it’s an awful way to behave, as his partner has been very kind to me. My only excuse for treating her so badly is that I’ve been lonely and miserable since being widowed, and having an affair makes me feel special and loved again.
I have deep feelings for this man, but I’m tormented by guilt as his wife still phones to check on me, and treats me like a sister. I’m actually fond of her and don’t want them to split up, even though I feel and act the way I do.
The advice…
It’s desperately sad that you lost your husband so young, and not at all unusual for those grieving to behave sexually ‘out of character’.
But you mustn’t use this tragedy as an excuse to betray someone who has been such a support to you.
Having an affair is fraught with difficulty even if you’ve never met your lover’s partner, but in your situation, it’s virtually impossible. You already feel guilty and deceitful, and you know you can’t continue the relationship while at the same time staying friends with his wife.
Eventually you’ll get caught out – his behaviour will change, or yours will, and this woman will start to suspect. At that point there’ll be some sort of showdown and you’ll almost certainly come out worst.
If you don’t think you’re strong enough to end the affair now and simply continue the friendship, you probably need to come up with an excuse to stop seeing either of them.
I do realise how important love and sex are but if you widen your social life, you’ll give yourself the chance to find another partner who is free. As a starting point, contact the bereavement charity Cruse, who can offer all sorts of advice and support
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].
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