I’m a trans woman. Why are people obsessed with my vagina?

This is a reply I’ve started to notice more and more to my social media posts. 

As far as I can tell, it’s supposed to be meant as an insult towards trans women who have had vaginoplasty, as we have to dilate after surgery – but I just feel confused when I see it, and quite embarrassed for the people using it.

I don’t understand why I should feel ashamed of my body, and it’s quite pathetic of people try shame me in this way. 

Dilation – using a smooth plastic instrument in the days and months after surgery to dilate a vagina that was created after surgery – is a way of maintaining vaginal depth and stretching the tissue within it. 

But for a certain corner of the internet, it’s become a go-to stock phrase. 

This insult usually comes from faceless sock puppet trolls, or accounts who claim to be ‘gender critical’ or ‘sex realist’. 

It is usually followed up with all sorts of other bizarre claims about the impact of gender-confirming surgery, such as that I’ll always have ‘an open wound’ that is constantly ‘trying to close itself’. 

I don’t really know where these people are getting their information from, but it’s clearly not a very reliable source.

It just shows how difficult basic concepts are to grasp for ‘gender critical’ trolls. Anyone should know that you can’t even survive with an open wound, much less go about your life as I do. 

I also don’t understand why they think it’s an insult that trans women have to dilate after surgery.

Dilating isn’t something only trans women do – lots of women have to and it’s considered very effective to treat vaginismus, pelvic floor instability and vaginal atrophy.

Shaming trans women for dilating is therefore just another form of misogyny, where women’s appearances are scrutinised and made objects of opinion and disgust. It’s wrong and shows how trans women are subject to the same sexism as other women.

The most baffling part is that these insults often come from women who should understand and know what it is like to be objectified and shamed for their body parts.

For them to use the exact same insult against trans women is quite frankly internalised misogyny, which is at the heart of their movement. There is nothing feminist nor progressive about mocking people for their genitals.

It boggles my mind why certain people think I should feel ashamed of having had surgery that has brought mehappiness

I had my surgery over 12 years ago in Iceland, and it was an important part of my journey and something I’ve never regretted. 

Within a year, I was fully healed. I no longer have to dilate nearly as frequently as I used to. A far cry from an ‘open wound.’

Usually it’s considered that once a week is enough after a few years, but if you have regular penetrative sex or use certain types of sex toys, that works just as well. 

Ever since I’ve had surgery I’ve been able to find happiness in my own body that was previously impossible, and I feel good about myself. 

I’ve enjoyed an active sex life that has brought me pleasure, and had meaningful relationships with people that have enjoyed it too. I’ve been with my partner for the past eight years and there have never been any issues. Everything works exactly as intended.

It therefore boggles my mind why certain people think I should feel ashamed of having had surgery that has brought me such happiness, and increased my well-being exponentially.

Someone being happy in their body should be celebrated, not mocked.

Yes, dilating is something that’s important for me to do, but it’s never bothered me. 

It’s just one of the things I do to look after my body and health. So why my vagina preoccupies people online truly baffles me. They talk about it more than I do.

The way that people allow themselves to talk about trans women and their bodies online is in my mind an indication of how they talk about women in general when they think no one hears them.

It is not a coincidence that so many of them hide behind anonymous profiles or use fake names. 

Cis, trans, or non-binary, it is never acceptable to try to humiliate people for how their bodies look or function – and we should never let such abuse go unchallenged. 

I refuse to be shamed for something that’s brought me great happiness, and something I’m proud of.

So when people throw out insults about vaginoplasty and dilation, they’re really just embarrassing themselves. 

Happy people don’t go around on social media obsessively trying to hurt others. That’s a sign of deep misery, unresolved anger and projection.

So while the bullies on social media continue to, in their words, cope and seethe, I’ll continue living my best life – happily dilating and taking good care of myself and the body that has brought me a happiness they will never know.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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