At just 25, Lara* is so hung up on her exes that it’s stopping her from dating someone new.
‘I can’t get over it. I don’t want them back, per say, but I obsessively miss my past with them – so much so that I can’t enjoy dating,’ she said.
Lara was with her first partner for four years, and he was her ‘first for everything’.
Her second relationship lasted for five years, and she says she ‘really loved’ him, while her most recent relationship was just a year but she was ‘certain [he] was the one’.
I don’t think I can truly love anymore after those three. I relive all my memories every single day,’ she added on Reddit.
‘Not a day goes by that I don’t think of them. I am in touch with all three of them all the time too – which probably doesn’t help,’ Lara said.
‘I live so much in my past. I don’t know how to stop it and wake up.’
While Lara’s situation might seem extreme, Hope Flynn, sex expert and founder of Luud Health, tells Metro.co.uk that we all grapple with these kind of emotions after a relationship ends.
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‘It’s natural to miss the bond and routines you shared together,’ Hope explains.
‘The end of a relationship can really hurt your self-esteem and sometimes this makes us want to seek validation by wanting our exes to still desire us.’
But Hope adds that you’re likely to be seeing the relationship through a rose-tinted lense.
How to get over an ex
Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at Condoms UK previously shared her advice with Metro.co.uk:
- Allow yourself time to grieve. Whether you were together for two months or two years, if you try to pretend that your breakup hasn’t impacted you and push your feelings aside, you’ll only create bigger challenges for yourself further down the road. Embracing your true feelings as they come will make it easier for you to heal in the long-term.
- Stop all contact. Studies show that people who respectfully cut all contact for a short period allow themselves to heal fast and have more amicable breakups.
- Being dumped is a blessing in disguise. A relationship doesn’t exist if the other person doesn’t feel as strongly as you did. You deserve someone who is on the same page as you.
- Remove reminders. If you own any of your ex’s items, give them everything back as soon as possible. The phrase out of sight, out of mind couldn’t be truer in this sense.”
- Think about what you have learnt. Once you’re over the initial upset stage and are feeling mentally stronger, it may be a good time to review your former relationship. What went wrong? What could you have done differently? What have you learned? What do you want in a future partner? And what is the silver lining out of all of it?
- Focus on you. Think about hobbies you’ve wanted to try out, places you’ve wanted to visit, and the positive people you want to spend more time with.
‘Lots of us seem to live in fantasy land when reflecting on past relationships to the point that we idealise the past relationship, remembering only the good timesand this subsequently makes it harder for us to let go and move on with our lives,’ she says.
When it comes to Lara’s predicament, Hope suggests that she may be coming ‘obsessive’, which will affect future opportunities for love.
She explains: ‘If you’re reminiscing constantly it can cause you ongoing sadness as you’re ultimately living in the past.
‘This can often interfere with new relationships as you’re always comparing them to your ex and it can flag old feelings, emotions and reactions to things.’
Hope says that, without a doubt, therapy is needed to help the healing process in Lara’s case, as it will help her heal and also regulate her emotions towards past partners.
There are also other steps she can take for herself too.
‘Limit your contact and set clear boundaries,’ Hope says. ‘Avoid constantly reaching out to your ex or checking in on their socials as all of these can open old wounds and bring up emotions that are still raw.
‘And if you do need to interact with your ex then make clear rules for how and when you’ll talk and for how long.’
And, crucially, Hope says you need to give yourself time between relationships.
‘It seems as though Lara has gone from one relationship to the next over the past 10 years and never really given herself a chance to heal before embarking on someone new.
‘Her situation shows the importance of taking time for yourself before transitioning into a new relationship.’
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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
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