LGBTQ+ cruising: ‘My husband’s bisexual so I thought we’d like it’

But of course, this is a cruise with a difference. The background to VACAYA is that someone from another cruise operation decided your classic ‘gay cruise’ was too raunchy, too clubby and too exclusive.

‘My husband is bisexual,’ said the woman, ‘so I thought we could both enjoy something like this.’

Judging by their smiling faces over the rest of the week, that plan panned out.

Then there are dinners for single cruisers, mixers for non-Americans (most people are from the US), meet-and-greets for people in May-to-September relationships… no one is forgotten.

The second thing you need to know about VACAYA (capitals, so you know they’re not messing about) is that although everyone likes to get ‘bikini-ready’ before a holiday, there’s no need to worry here.

VACAYA prides itself on inclusivity and body positivity so, while there’s no shortage of body-beautiful types, it took us just half an hour in swimwear to stop sucking in our guts.

All shapes and sizes are represented, though the main demographic seems to be slightly older gay men in all manner of swimsuits – some of which would certainly require a towel in the buffet.

Checking in, we saw a deaf and blind cruiser being met by a member of staff who has been trained to communicate by writing on hands with his finger. In fact, the deaf community on board is a thing unto itself, with reserved seating in the theatre and celebrity-like signers. We stepped out into Puerto Rico with signer Xavier and he was greeted with a flurry of sign language.

La Voix is the real revelation of the entertainment roster, ripping the mickey out of everything and everyone with rude jokes about Vanessa and saying the $6,000 bingo prize would be just enough to buy ten minutes of wi-fi access.

There are also parties galore, with the ship playing host to 3,000 up-for-it people aged from their 20s to 93 (seriously) dipping into two or three themed parties a day, all involving the most outrageous costumes possible.

There was a pirate party with a young man wearing only an eye patch, a parrot and a cardboard ship to cover his modesty; a group of four dragged-up ‘bears’ – big, hairy gay men – with giant curlers singing into hairdryers swiped from their cabins at the Messy party; and another four in sparkly red majorette outfits for the Alternative Prom party.

In fact, one reason VACAYA has been such a smash hit – according to one regular we spoke to – was because it gives plenty of notice of party themes, so you have time to work on outfits.

‘Your community looks after each other. Your community knows how to have fun with each other.’

And she’s not wrong – VACAYA is like a get-together of 3,000 of your closest friends. It’s just that some of them seem to prefer outfits with their buttocks showing.