Two million women are estimated to be victims of violence at the hands of men each year in England and Wales.
That’s roughly one in every 12.
Undoubtedly, many men will shudder at this statistic. It might motivate them to want to take action, or anger them that not everyone feels the same.
In fact, 63% of men believe that members of their own gender aren’t doing enough to ensure the safety of women and girls, according to A YouGov 2021 poll.
The problem is, many simply don’t know how.
It is imperative we change this – and the reflex to say ‘Not All Men’, when the reality is a woman is, on average, killed by a man every three days.
Because it is true that not all men will commit violence against women, but all men have a role to play in bringing about the end of this emergency.
The first step is understanding the sheer scale of the problem.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
- ONS research revealed that last year the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
- Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
- According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
- Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
- Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
‘So many of the general public are simply unaware of just how common and urgent this issue is,’ explains Karen Whybro, a women’s safety consultant, education is key.
‘Statistics and data play a crucial role in breaking down the wall of silence around violence against women because once you know, you can’t look away.’
While this may sound like a relatively straightforward solution, the potential for backlash makes it anything but.
Earlier this year, a question on social media divided men and women: Would you rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear?
A majority (53%) of British women aged 19 to 29 said they would choose the bear, while just 17% of men in the same age bracket said the same. Women cited that bears might kill them, but men could do that and more – like rape or torture.
This reasoning baffled some men. ‘Judging a garden by one flower,’ one commented under a viral TikTok video, while another remarked: ‘Y’all are trying to make all men seem evil’.
The ‘not all men’ sentiment is a common retort from men’s rights activists like Andrew Tate, who has previously suggested that rape victims ‘bear some responsibility’ for being sexually assaulted and referred to women as ‘property’ of men.
But views like his are becoming increasingly more attractive to young men in particular. According to a King’s College London survey released earlier this year, one in five (21%) men aged 16 to 29 who have heard of Andrew Tate say that they have a favourable view of him.
‘So many young men are being warned by toxic influencers online that they will automatically be criminalised simply for being male,’ Karen says.
‘Tackling this requires a careful approach because we don’t want to push them further into their hands, resulting in more violence rather than less.’
It’s also crucial that men are equipped with the right knowledge so they don’t fear being treated like a suspect if they do help a vulnerable woman.
How to be an active bystander
If you are walking near a woman at night…
- Keep your distance. Staying well back or crossing the road helps to reassure women that you are not a threat.
- Don’t try and speak to women you don’t know (unless you are concerned for her) and encourage your friends not to either.
If you are on public transport…
- Try not to stand too close to women where possible, and avoid staring at anyone.
- If you see a woman being harassed, the advice from Transport for London is to be an active bystander: Engage the victim – while ignoring the aggressor – with a benign question such as the time or offering a seat. This non-confrontational intervention can help diffuse a situation.
If you spot a woman being harassed in a bar…
- The government’s Enough campaign offers advice on how to step in safely using the acronym STOP.
- Firstly, you could say something like, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear…’ or you can be more direct, turning to the man in question and telling him his language is inappropriate.
- You can also tell someone else; or offer support. This could involve anything from checking on the woman after the interaction is over to filming it on your phone and helping her report it if necessary.
One way of fixing this is taking an ‘evidence-based approach’, where open discussion is encouraged and empathy and honesty are key pillars. And one man who has been on a learning journey is Sal Naseem.
Sal is the former Director for London at the Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC) and now-ambassador for White Ribbon, a charity that engages men and boys in conversations surrounding violence against women.
After working on the cases of Nicole Smallman and Bibaa Henry, where two police officers took photos at the murder scene of the sisters, and Sarah Everard, who was kidnapped, raped and murdered by a police officer, Sal came to realise the prevalence of violence against women.
It made him realise he could be doing so much more.
‘When I looked at myself and what I was personally doing to end violence against women, I came up short,’ he tells Metro. ‘I realised my ego had provided me with false comfort in my level of understanding.’
So to better understand the issues around male violence against women and girls, he spoke to his wife and eldest daughter in what he felt was a ‘safe space’.
They helped break down years of mistaken assumptions he had about gender equity and daily indiscretions they had to put up with.
He adds: ‘At the time, I was a national voice on discrimination and anti-racism in policing. And just as it isn’t on victims of racism to lead the change, I felt passionately it can’t be on women to lead the change here because they are the victims.’
He then became a White Ribbon ambassador in 2022. Nowadays, Sal tries to share what he’s learned on his social media and across LinkedIn.
‘Male violence – whether that’s domestic abuse, a stranger attack, or terrorism – is not a case of a few bad apples,’ he wrote to his 35,000 followers on LinkedIn earlier this year. ‘It is a systemic consequence.’
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women called This Is Not Right.
Throughout the year we will be bringing you stories that shine a light on the sheer scale of the epidemic.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to educate, engage and empower our readers on the issue of violence against women.
You can find recent articles from the project here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].
While he says he gets lots of good responses – such as the men who say ‘you’ve made me realise that we must raise our game’ – he’s also no stranger to backlash.
‘A lot of men can feel threatened and attacked. There are some who engage in whataboutism or sidetrack into other issues.’
Sal and Karen are in agreement that these responses are a result of there being no real space for men to have productive conversations about VAW.
Currently, Sal says online spaces can just end up promoting ‘angry, binary, algorithmic responses’ where men often end up in shouting matches with people they disagree with.
So until helpful forums exist, Sal and Karen agree that key change can come from speaking to the people in your own life first.
‘Men need to talk to the women around them: their partners, their family members, their female colleagues, friends and peers,’ Karen explains. ‘It is so close to home all the time and that’s where the conversation really has to start.’
Learn more about White Ribbon
White Ribbon aims to end violence against women and girls by taking a preventative approach, engaging men and boys to listen and take action.
The charity works to challenge harmful behaviours, attitudes and systems surrounding gender norms and masculinity – all of which have been long-entrenched in society, and which allow violence against women and girls to continue.
White Ribbon looks at the root causes, aiming to stop violence before it begins. To find out more or get involved, visit the White Ribbon website here.
White Ribbon’s Campaigns and Policy Manager Leyla Buran agrees and has experience of one of these conversations.
She recently had a chat with George – someone she met through her work – who told her a story of walking down the street one night. He noticed that there was a woman in front of him who gradually looked more and more uncomfortable.
Within moments, she had moved to the side to try to let him pass, then got her phone out and was holding something really tightly in her other hand.
Reflecting on that experience with Leyla, George came to understand that the woman was probably terrified that she was being followed, even if he knew he wasn’t doing that.
George was then able to bring that experience up with women he knew, who ended up sharing their own stories of feeling unsafe in public. It’s through these everyday conversations that real change can happen.
Part of engaging men in conversations about violence against women is to empower them to realise they have a role to play in ending it.
As Karen explains, ‘We cannot solve this problem without the engagement of men. Without their support and without their willingness to adapt their attitudes and behaviours towards women, this battle is insurmountable.’
What to do if a loved one is at risk from domestic abuse
If you feel that it’s safe, approaching them gently and considerately may be enough to encourage someone to speak out. Otherwise, reminding them of charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge might help them seek advice.
Ultimately, there are a multitude of ways you can help.
- Listen: Try active listening, where you really tune into what the other person is saying without bombarding them with questions. They may not feel comfortable talking about the abuse directly yet.
- Don’t judge: It’s easy to fall into the trap of being critical, either towards the abuser or the victim for apparently ‘choosing’ to stay in the relationship. Avoid being negative about their partner – understand that your friend or relative may still love them, whatever your own point of view.
- Believe: Avoid phrases like, ‘But they’ve always been so nice to me’ or ‘I can’t imagine them doing that’. Take in what your loved one is telling you with an open mind and reassure them that you are there for them.
- Support: Acknowledging domestic abuse is a process. Offering advice on what constitutes abuse or sharing details for helplines, as long as it is safe to do so, gives your friend or relative the time and space they need to come to terms with what’s happening and decide what – if any – action they want to take.
- Plan: If your loved one feels ready to leave a domestically abusive situation, you can help. Research non-local taxi numbers and transport timetables, or provide items needed in an emergency bag. You might also consider creating a safe word between you and your loved one that signals that they need help, and work out how you are going to call for support.
Remember: Support is out there, however you are involved, and you are not alone.
Read more here
It’s something London-based psychotherapist and divorce coach Eve Stanway has been working on with her clients.
One, a man in his early 30s, sought her out because he believed his younger sister was in a domestic abusive relationship. She was always tired and going to the doctor a lot, but her husband just dismissed it to family members as depression.
This man wanted to support his sister but didn’t know how and certainly didn’t want to make things worse.
With Eve’s guidance, he started casually dropping into his sister’s life more and taking her out for lunch to give her the space to open up. Then on one occasion, his sister revealed that she had been involved in a verbal altercation with her husband.
Instead of going on the offensive and demanding to speak to her husband, Eve’s client asked her how the fight had made her feel, as well as encouraged her to clarify whether she thought her husband was being reasonable or if it had happened before.
‘There’s magic in speaking things out loud,’ Eve explains to Metro. ‘When you talk through your problems, it goes out of your own mouth and back into your ears. So by making him more of an anchor for her, she felt like she could open up to her brother.’
Sure enough, his sister soon revealed that she thought she was in a domestic abusive relationship. Then with his support, his sister was able to start the process of divorce.
Eve has helped other men speak up for women in their lives too, including a teenager who was worried about his mother’s relationship with his step-dad after he went off to university, as well as a father in his 60s concerned about his daughter in a financially abusive marriage.
By helping more men realise how they can help women, it is hoped that men will no longer feel scared or reluctant to come forward to help as they will be reassured that they are doing the exact right thing.
How to speak to men about violence against women
- It’s not about blaming men
- It should be about encouraging them to take a stand against this issue, so don’t use language that will isolate. Use positive language that highlights our collective responsibility and how we can create change together.
- Remember that the majority of men want to do the right thing
- We have to get past the rhetoric around ‘not all men’ and ‘but I don’t do these things’. These are likely true statements but they don’t change the reality for women.
- Speak about what men can do, rather than not what they shouldn’t do.
- Have conversations about exactly what allyship looks like so that men can get on board with strategies that they can actually utilise.
- If you’re a woman, try to speak to men about this issue – if it’s safe and appropriate for you to do so
- Share some of your experiences so that men understand how this issue affects women and girls.
- If you’re a man, speak to other men and boys
- VAW is not a women’s-only issue. Some men are much more receptive to hearing about this issue from other men, which can help them personalise their allyship journey and what that might look like for them. Men can lead on this change to amplify women’s voices.
As well as actions to help individual women, men can also take countless steps to become more active allies.
They can sign petitions or use White Ribbon’s template letter to write to their local MP, and share posts on social media – especially if their feed is male-dominated.
They can also wear a white ribbon, which is a globally recognised symbol for ending violence against women. Even if people don’t know what it is, they might ask and it can become a conversation starter.
There are everyday things everyone can do, too. It can be something as small as not laughing along with a sexist joke.
Ultimately, it’s OK to get some things wrong, Leyla says, adding: ‘It’s about having open conversations where you don’t feel scared to say something, or that you’re not sure and you don’t know. Otherwise we’re never going to learn from each other.
‘We all care about each other’s safety,’ she says. ‘So why does the conversation break down when we start talking about specific groups of people like women and girls?’
Because, as Karen says, ‘we know it’s not all men, but it is all women’.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
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