Wedding venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.
Dear Alison,
Last summer, my boyfriend made me the happiest woman alive when he proposed while we were on holiday, and of course I’ve said yes.
We now have a venue booked for the middle of next year, and things are really starting to feel real, with the planning kicking into overdrive.
However, there’s just one thing causing me anxiety – and it’s threatening to damage not only the big day itself, but some of my most treasured relationships.
You see, a few weeks ago, I was at my mum’s house having a few glasses of wine and discussing my vision for my wedding day, when talk turned to the dress.
To my surprise, my mum said that she had always assumed I would wear the wedding dress that she had worn on her big day in the 80s, and that my late grandmother had worn on her own nuptials back in the 60s.
I vaguely remembered the dress from old black-and-white photographs, but when she brought it down from the attic for me to try on I gasped. And not in a good way. The dress is just far too old-fashioned.
It is lacy to the point it looks frilly, unflattering, with a far-too-baggy train and a high neck that makes me feel like I’m being covered up.
I tried the dress on to humour my mum, hoping she would see how inappropriate it was for a woman in her early 30s in this day-and-age, but to my horror she burst out crying, was overcome with joy and said I looked incredible.
Now, that’s all she can talk about – she keeps telling her friends how happy she is that I’m carrying on this ‘family tradition’ and how my gran, who passed away a few years ago, would be watching down on me too.
But I can’t imagine myself wearing it. My boyfriend and I had planned something far more modern and I don’t want all my photos of the happiest day of my life to be ruined by me wearing this stuffy dress.
How do I make the right choice for myself while respecting my mum’s wishes?
Thanks,
Louise
Do you have a wedding problem you need some advice on?
Weddings are joyful occasions – but they’re also incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be very tense.
If you need a bit of help with your quandary, Alison, who has run a venue for 10 years and helps couples plan weddings, is here to offer a helping hand.
Email [email protected] to share your issue anonymously with Alison and get it solved.
Dear Louise,
Congratulations on your engagement. It is lovely that you and your boyfriend are embarking on this exciting journey together.
What you wear on your wedding day is a huge part of the occasion – and, while you clearly value the relationship with your mum and the memories associated with her dress, it is also essential for you to feel comfortable and happy.
Respecting tradition is a lovely thing to do – but striking a balance between honouring those who have come before you and expressing your own individual style is essential.
Firstly, sit down with your mum in a calm and relaxed environment. Express your gratitude for her sentiment and acknowledge the special meaning the dress holds for her – then, share your feelings honestly and empathetically about wanting a more modern gown that reflects your taste.
Emphasise that your choice is not a negative rejection of her or your family’s history, but a positive celebration of your personal journey.
But it doesn’t have to be one or the other; the two options don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
With that in mind: Once you’ve made your feelings clear, you could consider exploring the possibility of incorporating elements of the family dress into what you choose to wear on the day.
Can parts of the dress, like lace or particular detail, be used to create a more modern and personalised design? This way, you acknowledge tradition while still wearing what feels true to you.
Alternatively, you could contact a dressmaker and see if any modifications could be made to change the style of your family dress to make it more modern, like changing the high neckline, reducing the baggy train and making it more fitted.
It may not be possible, but it’s worth a try.
Remember that this is a celebration of love for you and your partner
If you know, unequivocally, that your family dress will play no part in what you do wear, you could suggest shopping with your mum to find a dress you both love. This can be a unique bonding experience; you might discover a dress matching both your preferences.
Keep an open mind and involve her in the process, making her feel included and valued.
Alternatively, if specific aspects of the family garment hold sentimental value, consider finding other ways to incorporate them into your wedding, as a compromise. For example, you could use a piece of lace as a wrap, incorporate it into the bouquet, or even as part of a veil.
I’ve seen some incredible and unique designs at my venue, and you may be surprised by how much blend of the old and the new feels.
Throughout all your conversations, consider seeking the help of a professional bridal consultant who can provide an objective opinion and mediate the discussion. They may have creative suggestions for seamlessly blending tradition and modernity.
And most of all, it is important to remember that this is a celebration of love for you and your partner.
Most mums want the best for their daughter, especially in the build-up to their big day – but how you feel in your dress is so important. It has to reflect your personality and suit your body shape.
Balancing tradition and personal preferences can be challenging, but open communication and open-mindedness can help create a celebration reflecting both your individuality and your family’s history.
And your happiness should be at the forefront from beginning to end.
Wishing you a beautiful and memorable wedding day.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
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