My body is the largest it’s ever been and its done wonders for my sex life

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Helen*, a married 40-year-old holistic therapist who lives in Peterborough.

She and her husband Chris* have two children under the age of six, but still find time to have sex four times a week on average.

‘Hitting 40, having two kids and knowing I’m not having any more, changing career, and seeing my body in a new light means I don’t give a f**k any more,’ Helen says.

‘My body is the largest it’s ever been, but it’s also the strongest, and I know how powerful I am. I’ve got a different kind of confidence now, meaning I can say what I want, and I won’t put up with being unsatisfied – in life and in the bedroom.

‘We’re more risky and spontaneous now, in a way we never have been. You don’t realise how restrictive that fear of getting pregnant can be,’ she adds.

Helen says her attitude towards the way she looks has changed after having kids.

‘I see motherhood as a superpower that’s proven what my body is capable of,’ she says. ‘It’s the first time in my life that I’ve appreciated my physical strength.’

Now, despite having two children running around, the couple are making more time for sex.

‘It’s a conscious decision, which came after some serious talks about our relationship after the kids arrived,’ she admits. ‘I think about it more than I ever have in my life, but without any pressure of performing or looking a certain way.

‘Having the confidence to think about what I want to do makes me more keen to do it. I’m enjoying sex now in ways I never used to.’

Without further ado, here’s how Helen got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

Mondays are busy days for the family, which sometimes means we’re knackered and spend the evening zoning out on the sofa in front of the TV, iPad, phones and a laptop. We’re both self-employed so work never stops some days. 

I go for a run this afternoon though – I’m training for a half marathon – so I feel energised.

Post run I’m scrolling on X and find an article about the best positions for sex on the sofa. I don’t normally read stuff like this – surely I know it all by now? – but I glance at it and feel inspired. 

The kids had go to bed, and before we have dinner and inevitably become too bloated and tired to do anything, I grab Chris and take him into the lounge. I strip off, he’s so surprised he doesn’t really know what to do except follow my lead.

I push him on to the sofa, start with a bit of a blow job, then climb on top of him. I remember one of the positions in the article and turn round for ‘seated reverse cowgirl’. It feels great for both of us, and afterwards, I admit to Chris that previously I would have been nervous trying it, worrying about what my back looked like or something.

He says it was really sexy, and I feel even more confident and happy that I’ve tried something new. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I’d done something sexy, and I feel brilliant. 

Tuesday

I don’t have much work on today, so I spend the day relaxing and find myself searching for that article about sofa sex again. Considering how much time we spend on the sofa, this seems like a good way to change things up.

Reading about what we could get up to this week, and thinking about how good it was last night, means I end up masturbating on the sofa and have an amazing orgasm.

My vibrator broke a couple of months ago and I keep forgetting to buy a new one, but I think I’ve been having stronger orgasms just with my fingers. There’s less pressure than when you’re thinking about how useful a toy is. 

When Chris gets home, we’re too busy for sex but I do say I’ve bought some new knickers – pretty boring, plain black cotton knickers – I want to show him.

We just snog on the bed and feel each other up, but even those couple of minutes were intimate enough. Over time I’ve realised that these little moments are vital for keeping me feeling alive, and they don’t have to be leading anywhere.

Wednesday

I have Julia Donaldson to thank for some amazing sex this evening – the kids are happily and safely watching Stick Man on iPlayer, so me and Chris nip upstairs.

I get on top and play with myself until I finish, then he flips me into missionary so he can finish. It’s all done within five minutes, silently, and the kids don’t even notice we’ve gone anywhere. It feels so spontaneous and naughty, we’re both left smiling all evening. 

I wasn’t self-conscious while playing with myself while on top today. Overthinking before, during and after sex used to be a major problem for me.

I rarely used to orgasm because of my brain getting overly panicky about it happening – this would then cause frustration and anxiety every time because I would be so focused or not I’d get there.

Freeing that stressful thinking has made everything easier. 

Thursday

It’s a busy day of work today, and I don’t get home until 10pm. Chris has had a busy day too, and he’s already gone to bed when I get home.

I watch TV for a bit to disengage from the day, and knowing everyone is asleep, I watch my favourite porn video. I found a porn site that claims to be made by women (I have no idea whether to believe that, but it’s definitely more realistic) and there’s one video I always go back to.

The man in the video looks like my husband so I close my eyes and pretend it’s me he’s looking at while he goes down on me. I lay back on the sofa and make myself orgasm while watching it. I can’t count how many times I’ve watched this video and made myself climax.

It’s a video I think about if sex in real life isn’t quite hitting the spot, so to speak. I’m beginning to realise that our sofa is more of a sexy location than our bed. 

Friday

I’ve had a good day at work so I’m in a great mood, and I go for a good run in the evening after the kids are asleep. Afterwards I have a shower and ask Chris to come upstairs and get him to go down on me. 

I don’t know whether he’s been reading articles too, or whether it’s because I can say what I want and like now in a way I never have before, but Chris’s oral technique has improved a lot in the last couple of months.

Since I’ve told him it’s not like you’re ‘twiddling a light switch’ and he’s been going slower, it’s been a game-changer.

I think he enjoys it more too, knowing that it’s making me finish and he does it more often. 

More sex has brought my husband and I so much closer than I think we’ve ever been. There’s a level of easy, everyday intimacy that feels new and fresh.

Mentally I feel lighter from having that closeness, and it’s made communication much better which has definitely lightened my mental stability. 

Saturday

Weekends can be really busy with kids clubs and playdates, and today we have a lot planned. Some days we can end up feeling like chauffeurs – every parent knows the feeling – meeting like ships in the night, only seeing each other when the kids’ social events have finished.

Saturdays always used to be ‘date day’ before we had kids, whereas now it’s the opposite, and we hardly have more than half an hour together in the day. 

We’re both pretty relaxed and happy though, and we keep cuddling and kissing in the kitchen when we cross paths. When the kids were smaller, we felt like being intimate and having those little moments disappeared completely.

Now the kids are growing and less demanding, and we’re actually getting some sleep every night, it feels like we’ve remembered what’s important and enjoying each other more.

Also I’m definitely more interested in sex if we’re tactile in those small ways during the day. He rubs my breasts and bum, and I put my hands on his c**k while he’s doing the washing up.

We have friends round tonight, and by the time they’ve left, we’ve had a couple of glasses of wine and fall asleep on the sofa, at separate ends. 

Sunday

We have no plans today, so we know it will be a quiet movie day as a family. After breakfast, with the kids firmly settled in front of the TV, we go upstairs to shower and get dressed.

Before that we get back into bed and spoon for a while, talking, then I feel Chris get hard and he slips inside me. I love sex this way, even though it sometimes feels a bit complicated to get everything in position.

Chris reaches round and touches me, then goes down on me. Twice in a week! What a treat.

As I think back over the week, we’ve had more sex this week than we used to when we first got together in our twenties.

We’re busier, but we know how important sex is, and we make the time for it. It feels like there’s no pressure on me in terms of looks now that I’m older and rounder, but that liberation has made me more confident than ever, and I enjoy sex in a way I never have.

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