My boyfriend proposed – then admitted he’d got another woman pregnant

It’s the news no woman wants to hear – that their partner has been unfaithful. 

As I read the news this week that Foo Fighters star Dave Grohl had fathered a child outside his marriage, it sent shivers down my spine. 

Only a few years ago, I was the woman that was cheated on; a thing that only came to light because, like Grohl, my partner, Tom*, had fathered a child with another woman.

Tom, and I had been together for four years and had always enjoyed each other’s company. We loved the same music and we both loved partying. As two people with fairly serious day jobs, we looked forward to the weekend when we could dance the night away with our friends.

During our time together, there had been ups and downs, mostly around our ideas about life goals, but we had worked through it all and arrived at a place where we were both happy and deeply in love.

Everyone who knew us commented that we were perfect. We’d always arrive hand-in-hand and go home in each other’s arms. Infidelity was not on my radar. Even as we weathered each storm, I never once wanted or desired anyone else.

So, when he proposed, out of the blue, I was not surprised. We’d discussed marriage often. 

Although the timing was not as we had planned, I accepted.

I felt dizzy and stared at him in disbelief. My heart began to race and I felt cold.

‘Is it over?’ I asked with all the strength I could muster.

‘That’s not the worst of it. She says she’s pregnant,’ he added. The words landed on me like a meteor hitting the earth. It felt like the end of everything: Dreams, plans and all the love I had so freely given to him above all others.

For the next few days I cried hysterically and he never left my side. He held me when I broke down, stroked my head when I fell asleep and made me food even though I couldn’t eat.

Neither of us made it to work for an entire week. We talked until we ran out of words.

She was 12 weeks pregnant. He had seen her only a couple of times. He had ended things as soon as he realised that there was still a chance with me.  

In my head, I played out all the ways that this changed the life we wanted together.

I slowly started to accept my new reality; the wronged woman who would stand by her man. I went to work and faced all the people in my life that loved me and would have to explain this to. 

I thought of nothing else and tried to figure out a way to navigate this situation I had not created. 

Then, one evening, walking alone along the Southbank, it dawned on me; I did not want to be the wronged woman. I did not want a life marred by my partner’s infidelity.

Even as my fiancé continued to reassure me that it was over between them and whatever role he played in the child’s life would be a joint decision between us, I began to understand that he would always have a life that I could never be a part of. It was about more than the child.  

It was all the firsts: the first steps, first words, first day of school, sports days, school concerts, Christmases, university – an entire lifetime of happy events that would be soured because I wanted to be his martyr. 

When I thought about starting anew I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders

I felt defeated by the situation. I would have found it in my heart to forgive the cheating but a child adds a depth of emotion to an extramarital affair that’s difficult to overcome. I decided that I did not want to be his hero. I would be my own.

I would not stick around for what came next. This child deserved his father and I needed to get out of his way. Walking away from my relationship meant a huge financial, emotional and physical strain. Yet, it was the best decision I made.

My ex, for all it was worth, was devastated. He had never intended to for any of this to come to light, let alone end our relationship. He begged and pleaded for me to stay and work things out. But the truth was that I no longer felt safe with him. The nature of the messages from the other woman also me made me realise that she was not someone I wanted in my life. 

When I thought about starting anew I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. All the anxiety that I had been carrying for months left my body. I dressed differently, listened to music again and eventually smiled.

So, as I think of Jordyn Blum’s pain, my advice to her is that it’s difficult to see the right thing to do when you’ve been betrayed in the worst possible way. The need to avenge yourself will be overwhelming; you’d be forgiven for wanting it. 

I cannot imagine how it must be to find yourself here after three children and 21 years of marriage. There is no universal solution to overcoming what you feel. Your path is not the same as mine but what I learnt on my journey is that there is joy even in the worst pain. 

The road ahead will clear for you, you will see it and recognise it. Follow it to the end where the next phase of your life has always been waiting. 

*Name has been changed

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