My husband never bothers with foreplay — sex is a one-way street

In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader whose husband is neglecting her needs in the bedroom, avoiding foreplay altogether and skipping straight to what he enjoys.

When he’s had a drink, he has no trouble giving his wife the affection she craves — but by this point, she’s feeling anything but receptive.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman who’s struggling to come to terms with the revelation her boyfriend is a cross-dresser.

The problem…

My husband has lots of qualities but one of them isn’t that he’s a great romantic. He rarely shows me any affection unless he’s been drinking, and then he’s full of undying love and all over me like the proverbial rash.

But at the very time he’s trying to be all lovey-dovey, I just feel annoyed because I feel it’s the drink talking. The rest of the time, when we’re in bed and he’s stone cold sober, he never bothers to try to turn me on, and just jumps on me for sex without any foreplay at all. (Sorry if this is too much information but I don’t know how else to say it.)

I’ve tried talking to him about it but he only gets annoyed and I often end up in tears. I love him very much and apart from the sex issue, he’d do anything for me.

We’re both in our late twenties and have been together just over three years. We’ve always had the same problem, which I imagined would improve with time, but no such luck.

I’ve tried pointing him to useful websites, or giving him books on the subject, but he flatly refuses to engage. I’ve told him the things I enjoy, which ought to be obvious to any man trying to please his wife sexually, but he won’t do them.

I always take the trouble for him, so why can’t I have some pleasure in return? This issue is making me really unhappy but it doesn’t seem to bother him.

The advice…

Assuming everything else is good in your relationship, don’t give up just yet. If your husband can be loving and affectionate when drunk, he can be loving and affectionate when sober. However, this problem need to be addressed, as intimacy should never be a one-way street.

It seems as if it’s something that actually bothers him a great deal, despite him showing it in a different way. The fact that he gets annoyed when you try talking about it is likely a defence mechanism, and while I’m sure he doesn’t want you to end up in tears, at least when you do, the focus is temporarily off him.

Your husband may have been brought up in a household where he was expected to behave in a tough, unemotional way. But buried beneath that ‘manly’ exterior is the sensitive and affectionate lover he can be when alcohol lowers the barriers and releases his inhibitions.

It’s important to focus on the positives when broaching this, as pointing out any shortcomings in the bedroom will just make him feel worse and more defensive. Instead, try boosting his confidence by telling him how the thought of great sex with him turns you on, and how wonderful it is when he does certain things to you.

Additionally, you could look at taking more of an initiative so that you’re the one doing the seducing, which gives you greater control of what happens and how. Maybe he just needs a bit of practical ‘teaching’ about what feels good.

Making this a fun thing, where you’re both exploring new ways to improve your sex life, is key to getting him on board. Hopefully he starts to make more of an effort, but either way, a few sessions with a sex therapist will help you (and him) get to the root of his issues.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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