We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, and often the relationships that seem ‘perfect’ on the surface are anything but if you look a little deeper.
This week, we hear from a reader whose loved ones are envious of his 25-year marriage. What they don’t know however, is that until a month ago, he was sleeping with a colleague half his age.
When his wife found out about the affair, he ended it and promised to work on their marriage, but working with mistress (who still wants to be with him) is leading him to reconsider.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman who’s passionless marriage has led to her looking for excitement elsewhere.
The problem…
I’m married to a lovely woman and we’ve recently celebrated our silver wedding anniversary. We had a huge party with family and friends, and everyone was congratulating us and saying how lucky we were to have such a wonderful marriage. If only they knew the truth.
Last year, I met a much younger girl, who works for a company we do business with. She is only 23 – I’m 47 and (I’ll say it before you do) old enough to know better.
The chemistry between us was undeniable, and after a few work-related encounters, I foolishly ended up asking her out. Thus began an amazing affair, with off-the-scale sex involving things my wife would never dream of trying.
I don’t know what she was thinking, but last month this girl sent a birthday card to my home address, which my wife confronted me about. I tried to pass it off as something from a colleague, but I’m a hopeless liar and ended up admitting the truth.
She went ballistic and told me to leave, but as I was packing my bags she broke down and said she couldn’t bear to just hand me over to someone else. We had a real heart-to-heart, admitting we’ve been neglecting each other, and agreed to try to make our marriage work.
I ended things with my lover, but she was reluctant to let go and says she still loves me and wants me to marry her. I’ve told her we don’t have a future, but I can’t forget how exciting our sex life was. I feel torn between my desire for her and the love I feel for my wife.
The advice…
The path you’re on is one that’s been trodden by many men (and women) in similar situations. I get dozens of emails on the same subject, and my advice will almost always be the same; you’d be crazy to continue this affair.
Imagine telling your closest friends this tale. What do you think they’d advise you?
I can’t believe that anyone would suggest you carry on seeing this girl. It’s not the age gap in itself that’s the problem, but the fact that nowhere in your email have you said you really love her. On the contrary, what you feel for her sounds like good old-fashioned lust.
I’m sure she’s beautiful and the relationship was thrilling, but that early stage of infatuation can’t last. Other than fantastic sex, what do you have in common that could be the basis of a life together?
As for saying you don’t know what she was thinking when she sent a birthday card to your home – come on!
You need to tell her firmly that you’re not the man for her, and put all your energies into reviving your marriage. It must be incredibly strong to survive all this shock and upheaval, so if sex is the only problem, don’t throw it away.
The internet is full of ways to spice up a dull love life – it’s time to put some of them into practice.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].
MORE : My antidepressants left me with no feeling in my genitals
MORE : As a comedian, every man I date says one thing that gives me the ick
MORE : Here’s why 69 is my new favourite number
Sign up to our guide to what’s on in London, trusted reviews, brilliant offers and competitions. London’s best bits in your inbox
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.