Domestic abuse is covert by nature and it can take many subtle forms.
This can make it particularly hard to spot when it’s happening to someone you know and love, especially if they themselves are not ready – or able – to talk openly about what’s happening.
If you are worried that a friend or relative is suffering domestic abuse, support is available, for you and them.
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse, also called domestic violence and intimate partner violence, can be anything from a one-off to a pattern of incidents that involve controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour.
It takes many forms, from physical to psychological and emotional, sexual and financial. When a partner is controlling or coercive, the abuse may not be visible.
The term is also used in relation to ‘honour’-based abuse, forced marriage and female genital mutilation (FGM), as well as stalking and even trafficking.
It takes place both in and out of the home, as well as digitally or online.
In most cases, domestic abuse is perpetrated by men against women and frequently by a partner or ex-partner. Though not as common, female against male domestic abuse happens and can be just as serious and damaging.
Learn more about Women’s Aid
Women’s Aid have partnered with Metro for our This Is Not Right campaign.
They are a national charity continually working to end domestic abuse against women and children.
Women’s Aid is a federation of over 180 organisations, providing almost 300 local life-saving services to women and children. They are there to support survivors, helping them to be believed and to know that the abuse they’ve experienced is not their fault.
Women’s Aid also campaign for change, calling on the government to address the causes and consequences of domestic abuse.
To learn more about Women’s Aid, visit their website here.
What are the signs that someone is at risk?
The most obvious signs of domestic abuse are physical, such as black eyes, cuts and bruises. However, there may be more subtle red flags: A sprained wrist or sore ribs. If your loved one’s account of how they got injured doesn’t match the harm caused, take note.
Another indicator is covering up: Wearing long sleeves in summer, extra makeup or sunglasses.
Of course, not all domestic abuse is physical, or visible.
You may only notice that your loved one seems ‘different’. Perhaps they are having trouble sleeping, or seem increasingly reliant on drugs or alcohol. They may exhibit a sharp uptick in anxiety, or seem more fearful or on edge. Signs of depression, low self esteem and suicidal thoughts are all causes for concern.
All these changes can be attributed to other life events so it’s worth looking out for additional behavioural changes that might indicate domestic abuse.
Maybe your friend or relative has become more reserved, distant or vague, especially when asked about their relationship or how things are at home.
Perhaps they’ve stopped doing hobbies or activities they enjoy or cancel plans at the last minute – or they simply seem to disappear, either out of your social life or within themselves.
‘Experiencing domestic abuse can feel extremely isolating,’ says Abigail Ampofo, interim CEO of domestic abuse charity Refuge. ‘Abuse can take many different forms, but all of these are used as a way for the perpetrator to exert power and control.’
Your loved one may also behave differently around their partner: Your relaxed, happy friend might tense up or seem overly eager to please when their other half is around. If you are able to see them together, notice how their partner treats them: Whether they undermine, poke fun in a cruel way or insist they adhere to rigid rules.
Learn more about Refuge
Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. If you’re being abused, or are concerned about someone you know, Refuge can offer support.
Refuge helps thousands of survivors per day to overcome the many impacts of domestic abuse – from physical, to emotional, to financial –and works confidentially and individually with every survivor, tailoring a unique plan that meets her needs and helping her rebuild her life.
You can find out more about the charity here; and if you need help now, you can contact Refuge 24/7, for free, on 0808 2000 247.
How can I help someone at risk of domestic abuse?
While it might be easier to spot signs in someone you’re close to, your fears may be for someone you don’t know as well, such as a neighbour or colleague, making the situation more complex.
If you feel that it’s safe and you’re able to be direct, approaching them gently and considerately may be enough to encourage someone to speak out. Otherwise, reminding them of charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge might help them seek advice.
But there are a multitude of ways you can help.
Listen: The first step in any scenario. Try active listening, where you really tune into what the other person is saying without making assumptions or bombarding them with questions. They may not feel comfortable talking about the abuse directly yet, or even naming it as such.
It’s also important to remember they may have been threatened not to speak openly about what’s happening, or are fearful of retribution if they do. Remind them that they can talk to you about anything, at any time.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
- ONS research revealed that last year the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
- Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
- According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
- Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
- Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
Don’t judge: It’s easy to fall into the trap of being critical, either towards the abuser or the victim for apparently ‘choosing’ to stay in the relationship. Avoid being negative about their partner – understand that your friend or relative may still love them, whatever your own point of view.
Believe: Avoid phrases like, ‘But they’ve always been so nice to me’ or ‘I can’t imagine them doing that’. Take in what your loved one is telling you with an open mind and reassure them that you are there to support them.
Talk: The language we use is important when supporting anyone suffering domestic abuse.
Avoid using the word ‘abuse’ if they don’t; instead, opt for open-ended, non-accusatory questions: ‘How did you feel when they said that?’ or, ‘Your partner is texting you a lot tonight, is that normal for him?’
Crucially, reassure them that they are not to blame. ‘Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, and it is never the fault of the person who is experiencing it,’ says Ampofo. ‘The blame lies solely with the perpetrator’.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women called This Is Not Right.
Throughout the year we will be bringing you stories that shine a light on the sheer scale of the epidemic.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to educate, engage and empower our readers on the issue of violence against women.
You can find recent articles from the project here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].
Support: Acknowledging domestic abuse is a process; charity Women’s Aid points out that it can be hard for your loved one to work out if they are being abused or not. Offering advice on what constitutes abuse or sharing details for helplines, as long as it is safe to do so, gives your friend or relative the time and space they need to come to terms with what’s happening and decide what – if any – action they want to take.
Resources: ‘We know that seeking help often feels daunting,’ says Ampofo – so don’t be offended if your loved one doesn’t, or can’t, share details. Instead, act as a resource: You can provide the numbers for helplines, website addresses or social media support groups; you can also offer the use of your phone or laptop if their abuser monitors their online activity.
And as long as it’s safe for everyone involved, your home can also be an important resource. You might encourage someone to stay with you and have respite, or simply offer it up as a safe place to store their emergency bag or important documents.
Plan: If your loved one feels ready to leave a domestically abusive situation, you can help with planning. Research non-local taxi numbers and transport timetables, or provide items needed in an emergency bag. You might also consider creating a safe word between you and your loved one that signals that they need help, and work out how you are going to call for support.
Get help too: Domestic abuse is not just difficult for the victim; the stress of worrying about a loved one, or holding information you’ve been asked not to share, bring its own consequences. Whether you seek counselling or relieve pent up emotion by exercise, find ways to decompress.
Remember: Support is out there, however you are involved, and you are not alone.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
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