In the time it takes you to read this article, roughly four women will be the victims of domestic abuse.
A domestic abuse-related call is reported to police approximately every 30 seconds. In the year ending March 2023, under 20% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported it to the police at all.
When you consider that at least one woman will be killed by her current or former partner this week, you start to get a sense of the scale of domestic abuse and the very real and immediate danger it poses.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options.
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse – also referred to as domestic violence and intimate partner violence – is anything from a one-off episode to a pattern of incidents that involve controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence.
According to domestic abuse charity SafeLives, if you feel unsafe with someone who claims to care about you, you may be experiencing domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse can take many forms, from physical to psychological and emotional, sexual and financial. When a partner is controlling or coercive, the abuse may not even be tangible. The term also applies to ‘honour’-based abuse, forced marriage and female genital mutilation (FGM) as well as stalking and even trafficking.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women called This Is Not Right.
Throughout the year we will be bringing you stories that shine a light on the sheer scale of the epidemic.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to educate, engage and empower our readers on the issue of violence against women.
You can find recent articles from the project here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at [email protected].
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Despite the ‘domestic’ connotation, it can take place both in and out of the home as well as digitally or online.
In the majority of cases, domestic abuse is perpetrated by men against women and predominantly by a partner or ex-partner. While rarer, female against male domestic abuse also happens and can be just as serious and damaging.
Wider family members, as well as carers, can also be found guilty of committing domestic abuse. The CPS’ list of potential perpetrators includes step parents and siblings, cousins and non-blood relatives who are connected by marriage.
How common is domestic abuse?
According to Women’s Aid, one in four women will experience some form of domestic abuse in their lifetime. Figures from the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) estimate that over 800,000 domestic abuse crimes were recorded by police in the year ending June 2024.
While most research suggests one woman a week is killed by a partner or ex partner, research from The Femicide Census revealed that one woman is killed by a current or former intimate partner, on average, once every three days.
What to do if you are a victim of domestic abuse
Leaving a domestically abusive situation is not always straightforward or easy.
Victims are often at greater risk during a separation if the abuser feels like they are losing control. Safety concerns, as well as financial, family and emotional ties, can also make the decision more complex.
Women’s Aid have a Survivor’s Handbook with advice for every stage of your journey – whether you unsure whether your relationship is abusive or you’ve left and need support.
For many victims, the first step can be a call to a domestic abuse charity helpline. Staff are carefully trained and will listen without judgement, and will not tell you what to do.
Learn more about Women’s Aid
Women’s Aid have partnered with Metro for our This Is Not Right campaign.
They are a national charity continually working to end domestic abuse against women and children.
Women’s Aid is a federation of over 180 organisations, providing almost 300 local life-saving services to women and children. They are there to support survivors, helping them to be believed and to know that the abuse they’ve experienced is not their fault.
Women’s Aid also campaign for change, calling on the government to address the causes and consequences of domestic abuse.
To learn more about Women’s Aid, visit their website here.
For others, it might be a call to a lawyer. ‘A lawyer can apply to the family court on their behalf to seek to obtain orders excluding the abuser from the family home, and a non-molestation order forbidding the perpetrator from causing the victim harm or from pestering, intimidating or getting in touch,’ Sharon Micuta, Senior Associate & Family Lawyer at Parfitt Cresswell, explains. In some circumstances it may be possible to seek an order after a matter of days, or even hours.
‘The orders have a Power of Arrest attached and allows the police to arrest a perpetrator if they consider a breach of the order has been committed,’ says Micuta. ‘If orders are breached, and the court is satisfied with this, punishment can be an immediate prison sentence.
‘Domestic abuse victims can seek legal aid and in some circumstances, if eligible, litigation funding can be considered (where a company will provide a facility drawdown loan to meet solicitors’ fees),’ says Micuta.
If you are thinking about leaving, domestic abuse charity Refuge suggests starting a record of abusive incidents. This might include saving pictures or messages, or making notes of times, dates and details of incidents, and how they made you feel.
This record can be shared with your GP where it will remain confidential but can subsequently be used as part of evidence in court if needed.
Refuge also encourage victims not to store digital evidence anywhere where an abuser might discover them.
Learn more about Refuge
Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. If you’re being abused, or are concerned about someone you know, Refuge can offer support.
Refuge helps thousands of survivors per day to overcome the many impacts of domestic abuse – from physical, to emotional, to financial –and works confidentially and individually with every survivor, tailoring a unique plan that meets her needs and helping her rebuild her life.
You can find out more about the charity here; and if you need help now, you can contact Refuge 24/7, for free, on 0808 2000 247.
The charity has step-by-step guides on its website for how to secure your technology. That could be changing your passwords to implementing two-factor authentication, installing tracking apps and turning off location finders.
Their useful Home Tech Tool explains which internet connected devices can put you at risk and how to manage their settings to keep you – and your information – safe.
The next step is to make copies of important documents such as birth certificates, court orders, marriage certificates, tenancy/mortgage documents, ID documents, National Insurance Numbers and your driving licence. These should also be kept in a safe location, perhaps even out of the house with a trusted friend or relative.
In the meantime, identify the safer areas of your home so that you know where to go if your abuser becomes aggravated. Ideally, this should be a room with a phone and a door or window to the outside.
How to leave an abusive relationship
If you feel ready to leave a domestically abusive situation, start by making a plan.
If your partner has a reliable routine, it is often best to leave when they are not at home but you do know where they will be, and for how long.
It’s important to plan a safe, reliable route out. This could mean ensuring your car has petrol and you have a spare car key in a safe, accessible location, or choosing a generic taxi service over a local one that may have links to your partner.
If you feel safe to do so, pack an emergency bag so that you leave in a hurry if needed. Think about including cash, important documents, a set of keys, clothes, medication, a phone charger and emergency numbers. If there is a chance your partner might find it, consider leaving it with a nearby friend or with a neighbour.
Once you have left, think carefully about where you go next. You may want to stay with a close friend or relative but it’s crucial that your partner does not know the location.
As a woman fleeing domestic abuse, you can access a local refuge, either with or without children, for as long as you need to stay. The address is confidential.
Staff are trained to support you in building a new life and offer advice on finding local authority housing. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is open 24-hours a day and has all the details of refuges in your area.
What to do if a loved one is at risk from domestic abuse
If you feel that it’s safe, approaching them gently and considerately may be enough to encourage someone to speak out. Otherwise, reminding them of charities like Women’s Aid and Refuge might help them seek advice.
Ultimately, there are a multitude of ways you can help.
- Listen: Try active listening, where you really tune into what the other person is saying without bombarding them with questions. They may not feel comfortable talking about the abuse directly yet.
- Don’t judge: It’s easy to fall into the trap of being critical, either towards the abuser or the victim for apparently ‘choosing’ to stay in the relationship. Avoid being negative about their partner – understand that your friend or relative may still love them, whatever your own point of view.
- Believe: Avoid phrases like, ‘But they’ve always been so nice to me’ or ‘I can’t imagine them doing that’. Take in what your loved one is telling you with an open mind and reassure them that you are there for them.
- Support: Acknowledging domestic abuse is a process. Offering advice on what constitutes abuse or sharing details for helplines, as long as it is safe to do so, gives your friend or relative the time and space they need to come to terms with what’s happening and decide what – if any – action they want to take.
- Plan: If your loved one feels ready to leave a domestically abusive situation, you can help. Research non-local taxi numbers and transport timetables, or provide items needed in an emergency bag. You might also consider creating a safe word between you and your loved one that signals that they need help, and work out how you are going to call for support.
Remember: Support is out there, however you are involved, and you are not alone.
Read more here
What to do in a domestic abuse emergency
In an emergency situation, ring 999 and ask for the police.
If you aren’t able to talk, try the Silent Solution: after dialling 999, listen to the questions from the operator and respond by coughing or tapping your device, if possible. If prompted, press 55 to let the operator know it’s a genuine emergency – you’ll be put through to the police.
Awareness campaigns for the Silent Solution have been backed by the family of primary school teacher Kerry Power, who was murdered by her former partner in Plymouth in 2013.
Move to the lower floors of your house and work out how to get out. Decide where you can go to call the police or get help, and if you have children, arrange a safe place to meet them if you get separated. Avoid the kitchen, garage or any room that may contain objects that can be used as weapons.
If you are unable to get out, barricade or lock yourself into a room, from which you can call for help.
Teaching your children how to call 999 can be life-saving.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
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